Whats in my thought...

Earlier I was busy moving out my things to my sister’s house with the help of my brother since I will be living there starting tomorrow. Though I was not able to sleep last night, I don’t know why, maybe because I was thinking that I will going to leave my place now after so many years of being independent and now since I lost my job yet im pregnant and im the one who burden all the expenses its better this way as I need money to support my pregnancy specially my monthly prenatal checkup.

If I was able to have a prenatal checkup to one of the exclusive hospital here and high end OB-Gyne before, now I have no choice but to transfer to a public hospital to save cost. Funny isn’t it! I was thinking that what matter is I can still buy my prenatal vitamins to support my baby while still inside of me. Besides there’s nothing wrong with public hospital even though my siblings don’t like my idea due to different treatment of doctors unlike in private hospital, you will really feel that your special, of course because I am paying them unlike in public hospital its for free.

I wish that my mother will going to come soon, as she promised to come by June so I can have a shoulder to cry on and who can comfort me as my siblings are too busy with their work and I have no one to talk with, luckily there’s internet for at least I can use my time here being busy reading and browsing articles.

I still can’t avoid being sad at night thinking why this things happened to me now though I only wish to have a happy and peaceful family of my own. But I know I cant hold someone’s heart nor decision, though the saddest part is that the guy did not even bother to tell me why he need to go as he was just gone without any words. I don’t know if im going to hate him or not or I will be the one to blame, though whatever I’ve done, I don’t think its enough for him to leave us, his so selfish to think of leaving me as he knows that I need him more now.

Tomorrow I will be staying with my sister and I don’t know of up to when, maybe up to the time that I already find job to support me and my baby though I know its not going to be easy.  I just wish to have a lot of income to support us. I know GOD is watching me and he knows exactly what I need. I just wish to wake up one day and that everything is already fine

My prenatal checkup

When i found out that i was 2 weeks pregnant due to positive pregnancy test, i immediately called my 23 years old niece to accompany me for checkup. But I was just disappointed on what the doctor told me as he told me that i might not pregnant yet and i should come back after 2 weeks to make sure even though i already showed him my pregnancy test. He said that sometimes pregnancy test failed due to some reason and it might just be a false alarm. Though he prescribed me prenatal vitamins, one is folic acid and the other one is a multi vitamins.

1 month passed i even forgot that im pregnant besides i didn't experience any sign and symptoms of pregnancy though my breast are so tender, same thing like im having my menstruation period so i was thinking that maybe the doctor was right, it might just be a false alarm besides i might just be stress that's why i still did not have my period as they said that if your stress there's a tendency that you will going to missed your period due to hormonal change.

I've been busy with my work since its December and we rushed a lot of things. My hubby was so angry that time coz i still did not take my prenatal checkup to make sure if the baby is fine and he even told me that im so selfish to think of just me and my job. I felt so guilty about it and so i decided to take a leave from work just to have my checkup. I didnt go back to the first doctor coz i was not satisfied with his prescription. So I went to another doctor.

Here's what happened during my 2nd prenatal visit.

They started by taking my medical history like if im suffering from what kind of illnesses and etc., and how i have been feeling the past few days. Then they took my weight and have my blood pressure. They also took Urine and blood sample that will also be taken again at later visit. 

They need urine test to check for bacteria in my urine, high sugar levels (which can be a sign of diabetes) and high protein levels (which can put you at risk for pre-eclampsia, a type of high blood pressure during pregnancy). While Blood tests to check for low iron levels (anemia), blood cell count, infectious diseases (such as syphilis and hepatitis) and blood type was also performed.

Then pelvic exam to check the size and shape of my uterus (womb) and a Pap smear to check for abnormalities of the cervix (the opening of the uterus) and lastly, an ultrasound to help figure out when the baby is due or to check on the baby's growth and position in my uterus.

Then after few hours of waiting they finally have the result and here's the findings,  they found out that i have infection in my cervix,  i have UTI(urinary track infection) though they said its really normal for pregnant woman to have UTI, 

also i have a sub-chronic hemorrhage and i also have a low blood cell count though my blood type is O which is a universal type so no problem with it.

I was so shock coz its my first pregnancy and i dont know if these are normal or really happened to all of those pregnant women out there or its just me, though she said that 80% of pregnant women really experience those kind of things. She also added that the baby is fine and that im the one who have problem. 

She handed me her prescription, and all in all i will going to take 7 kinds of medicine. 2 prenatal vitamins, 1 for my cervical infection, 1 for my UTI, 1 to lessen nausea and aside from that i also took Duphaston and Duvadilan for sub-chronic hemorrhage and threatened miscarriage that's why they want me to have 1 week bed rest.
I was very satisfied with the checkup though i never thought how much it cost me including medicine. I just realize that it's not really that easy to get pregnant.


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Time to move on

After few weeks of never ending crying as i felt that  i failed with my life and i even felt that there's no god at all as why all this things happened to me, im pregnant, no job, and the father of the baby left us without any words. It's not really easy to accept the fact. And that soon i will become a single mother to my baby. I'm scared and feel so sorry for i can't give my baby a family of our own.

Though after all those days nor weeks of crying, one night i felt  movements of my baby in my tummy, its like the baby's telling me that "hey im still here and stop crying coz i feel weak too and i want to live" it hit me in my head as i felt like there's a cold water poured down through my head telling me that im so selfish without realizing that im pregnant and my depression might going to affect the baby and im not going to let that happened. I used to wished for a baby before and now that im going to be a mother soon then whether i like it or not, i need to face the truth now.

When the baby keep on moving inside it makes me feel so different,  thats the time that i give smile and i felt so relieved, looks like my baby was also trying to tell me that everything will going to be fine. I felt an angel inside of me and it makes me think that its time for me to wake up and move on.

Since i can't find any job in my situation, im trying to find ways looking for online money making site so at least i can earn to support my pregnancy specially my birthing cost, i still have my savings and my parents also extend their promise to help me,  i want to be responsible and a loving mother to my baby.

I just hope that god will going to take care of me and my baby and that everything will going to be fine someday. Though i still hope that my hubby nor ex hubby will come back even not for me but just for our baby sake so the baby will grow up with a real father.  Though right now, I just want my baby to be healthy and for me, that's all what matter.


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The saddest day of my life

My hubby and i were both happy when we found out im pregnant, i thought that will be the start of a new life for me. Actually were not living together coz he was married before and have two daughters but i never had the chance to visit their house and meet his kids as he used to tell me before that he didn't bring anyone to his house coz he doesn't want his daughters to see him bringing any girls as it might have a big impact to their mind. And that  in due time he will going to bring that girl and introduce her to them.

I actually respect him for that, but when he found out that im pregnant he made plan of transferring a new place once i give birth, planning of buying stuff for me and for our upcoming baby though he didn't mention that i will going to live with him together with his kids though as far as i  know he will just going to visit me. In short, looks like im one of those other woman who can never owned the man they loved.

I just felt bad about it and become so depressed specially when he seldom show up in my apartment. I was thinking that maybe there's really something going on, I was thinking that maybe theres another girl.

Last February, we had a big fight due to my ex, as my ex tried to win me back since he didnt know my condition yet,  he knows him and he knows how much i loved him,  then he started to accused  me that maybe the baby is not from him but from my ex.

I was very disappointed that time and was very angry, as he  knows that my ex was not here and that his been in London for many years so how come the baby is from him. He took all of his things and go home in the middle of the  night while i left crying. He came back maybe because he feel so guilty but i pushed him out, i was so mad that time and i can't control myself that for all people i never expected him to accused me of having an affair with my ex and that his not the father of my baby. I felt so insulted, and i even told him how i wish it was my ex whose the father of my baby coz i know he can take care of us and give us a good life.

I was so emotional that time but he never leave, but when he saw that im already fine and about to sleep he still left me.

Since then i never heard from him again, i tried to call and texted  him though he replied telling me he will come and i waited but he didnt show up. He promised many times but he never come till one time when i called him his no longer answering his phone. I tried to called everyday non stop but i just heard a ring then it turned off. I texted him but he never replied. its been 2 months now and his still not answering his phone. I become so depressed and even lost my job. I already lost my hope.

Now my family knows that im pregnant, though i told them i cant contact the father of my baby, i felt so bad coz i feel like i failed my family, after all this years. They never ask why coz they know i need moral support now than to blame  me.

Im going to have a baby

How can i forget. It was November 2009 when i missed my period its just 2 weeks though i really feel uncomfortable in my lower abdomen so im planning to drink herbal to induce menstruation its actually a safe herbal as anyone can drink it due to its healthy benefits, But i was also thinking that maybe im pregnant though we only made love once with my Hubby last October before he left out of town for his work project and i know that i was not fertile that time, we even check it with ovulation calculator and it says that i am safe those time.

And so with the help of my friend we bought parsley herbs and bring it to boil, i supposed to drink it that night but i received a call from my niece if im going to attend my sister's birthday dinner, i forgot that it was her birthday already coz i was very busy with work. While in dinner i saw my brother's wife and shes 6 months pregnant that time (she already give birth to a healthy baby girl today) and i even joke my brother that at long last they will going to have a baby. Actually, they've been married for 10 years and they tried a lot of things just to conceive a baby, they visit different churches wishing to have a baby and god never failed them though it took time but at least god still grant their wish..

After dinner, theres something hit in my mind forcing me to buy pregnancy kit that night while on my way home so i stop at the drug store to buy one. and when i got home i just leave the parsley tea and decided to drink it the next day once im negative in pregnancy. I can't sleep that night and i was talking to my hubby, i told him about the tea and i also told him that im already 2 weeks delayed and so he told me to check first if im pregnant or not before taking it. I decided to take the pregnancy test in the morning right after i wake up to have more accurate result as what they said and so i did.

 2 lines... wow... I can't express what i felt that time, i immediately called my hubby and informed him about it and he was also happy. He even told me to visit OB immediately for prenatal vitamins and to make sure everything will be fine.

I was really happy and so excited when i found out im pregnant coz im been wishing for this a long time thinking that im also getting older.